Am I being too hard on myself?

mindful chronicles: sharing my most inner thoughts, reflections and self discovery

‘Lady Bird’ (2017)

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mindful chronicles: a reflective series where I’ll explore my thoughts, feelings, experiences and a journey of my self discovery.

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Often, we feel forced to meet the expectations others have of us, or rather, what they think we are. And most of the time, that’s not the case.

We interpret those roles we’ve imposed on ourselves just to stay “safe,” in our comfort zone.

I have spent years taking on roles that didn’t represent my true identity—roles I sewed onto myself just to stay away from negative judgment. And for years, I always considered myself at fault, wrong for not being able to show my true face.

Am I being too hard on myself? This is the question I often ask myself.

The past few months, I’ve gone through some moments where my first thought in the morning was, “will I finally be myself today?”.

This may seem obvious, but coming from a past full of insecurities, where my only certainty was being introverted, distant from the problems of the world and the people around me, it’s not.

I’m talking about this now because I’ve finally found the strength and courage to express what has kept me on edge for years.

Many times in my life, I’ve always seen myself as lacking—not enough for others, not enough for the beautiful things that happened to me. I’ve always been an introverted person, more out of necessity than choice. A necessity born from not wanting to be negatively judged for being myself. My old self considered this shyness a ‘safe zone’ , a place to feel secure from the world, without realizing the loneliness it brought.

For several years now, since I started my university journey, I’ve been trying to change this part of myself, a part I’ve never truly felt was mine. A mask I sewed onto myself to be invisible, away from others' judgment.

I spent a lot of time turning over my thoughts due to my lack of courage to challenge myself to change the things that made me unhappy.

But now, I’m facing my 20s with a different perspective. There are times when being myself and exposing more of who I am makes me feel different, more authentic. It’s a feeling I’m not at all familiar with, but deep down, it helps me see the world from a different angle.

It’s important to challenge ourselves and understand who we are in doing so. On several occasions, I find myself not overthinking the countless consequences that might arise, simply throwing myself into the authenticity of who I am and who I want to be.

Our twenties are also for this: to turn the page from the person we were and to embrace and accept our new selves, to discover who we are and who we want to become.

I’ve always criticized myself for not putting enough effort into things. I found myself in situations where I wasn’t really living my life; I was playing a role, a role that society expected of me. I’ve been afraid to show who I truly am or to reveal just a small part of me, out of fear of disrupting the reality I had built (a reality built on fictitious foundations).

Showing my true self has been my weak point, mostly due to my inability to do so. But it wasn’t due to impossibility: it was more about not wanting to shuffle the cards.

Although accepting change has become one of my priorities in recent years, it wasn’t the case years ago. With your twenties, everything changes, and you shouldn’t be afraid to face that.

I’ve always admired those people who can create their own light, carve out their own space to make their voice heard, and show themselves without fear of judgment.

On one hand, I envied them; emotions that could have been potential opportunities for change turned into something negative.

Blaming ourselves is the first defense mechanism we have. Most of the time, we self-sabotage and criticize ourselves for not having done enough.

And I speak about this because I am the first to do it.

I believe I have been too hard on myself in the past and haven’t given myself the time I needed to change my perspective on the world.

The solution often lies in time—giving ourselves the time to change and allowing things to happen.

And what are our 20s if not the space and time needed to change into who we want to be and finally accept ourselves without the fear of others' judgment?

Many times, I’ve found myself showing too much of who I am, hoping to finally change the game, and not receiving the same in return.

Am I wrong? Am I not doing enough? What’s wrong with me?

These are all valid questions that arise spontaneously.

Hoping for certain things and feeling wrong or inadequate for those things is, in my opinion, one of the worst feelings.

Not being able to grasp the essence of things, feeling behind, and not understanding what’s missing—these are all issues I’ve often experienced.

Everyone has their own timing and space to challenge themselves and choose their path.

Being introverted, shy, and reserved has been my armor against the world for many years, a part of me I no longer feel connected to. They were valuable allies, but they deprived me of the confidence I so desperately wanted in the past, which I now find myself seeking in my twenties.

Many people retreat into sadness or anger; I retreat into apathy. Not wanting to suffer or feel overwhelming emotions. I simply dim myself, as if I’m abandoning the game. This is not the right attitude for anyone wanting to find meaning in their life.

Finding yourself is possible; it’s never too late to show yourself differently from what society has always been used to seeing. You shouldn’t criticize yourself for what you lack, but rather trying to figure out what to do in order to achieve it.

Our true self emerges when we stop being afraid to say what we think, to express what’s right and what’s wrong, and to show who we are without the fear of judgment.

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A huge thank you for sticking with me until the end. Today, I decided to share with you a stream of thoughts about a very delicate aspect of myself and my life, something I’ve always struggled to accept and face seriously. I hope these reflections can be helpful to you and give you some inspiration to reflect on who you are and who you want to become. We are not alone, and I know many of us share this experience.

I truly want to thank you for supporting me and for taking time out of your day to read my words. I love sharing my current obsessions, the films and trends that catch my attention, but it’s equally important to give space to our thoughts, to process them and move forward with awareness.

‘Mindful Chronicles’ is the title of my new series focused on giving space to the thoughts and reflections that are part of our daily lives, and I hope it can bring you a bit of comfort and company in knowing that you’re not alone.

Stay tuned for my fall guide, recommendations and ‘from the journal’ I’m putting down this week!!

With Love,

—Michela.

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